For some reason I really don't feel well this days. But what really confuses me is that I'm not really sick but I do feel extremely exhausted most of the time... even if I'm not even doing heavy work as I used too. Sometimes I'm even tired when I just woke up. I just feel restless and I don't know what's wrong with me. Well... I guess you could say I'm just tired... But I can't help but wonder why? As far as what I usually do... I'm not doing anything too stressful at the meantime so I just don't know...
Well... I have an idea but I don't think that's it. You see, I've been not in my best condition since January... even the last months of 2012 really isn't that great concerning my health either. But to make things worse, various swollen lymph nodes are on both side of neck. Yes, both. I know I told it on a journal before that I had them only on the left side since January but last month, I noticed that it has spread on my right as well. They say that swollen lymph nodes disappear on their own once whatever illness that's causing it disappears or I can have them removed by surgery but then again, if the virus that's causing is still in me then it will just return again so it's pointless.
But it's been nine months since I had them... so that means that whatever that's causing them is still within me. Which is why I'm very confused because I feel completely fine. I had no coughs, colds or fevers... nothing indicating an illness since February. The only known record that caused those lymph nodes was when I my asthma attacked last October 2012 to January 2013. It's a painful memory so I'd rather not talked about it again... but that ordeal has way passed so that's why I'm confused as to why I still have this swollen lymph nodes and why are they even multiplying...
Well, my doctor pointed out that I am still apparently ill... but even he doesn't know what that illness is. I went to other medical centers and they said the same thing. They see the problem but they don't see what's causing it since even they told me that I look healthy and I couldn't deny that... I feel fine except for my restlessness. To make matters worse I hardly have any appetite and I can hardly sleep I've already loss some weight drastically and look paler and weaker than before which has already concerned most people around me. They told me to relax and eat something... and I am trying me best to do it... but it's isn't easy... I just don't feel up to it and I don't know why.
I feel satisfied with my personal life lately actually. I love hanging out with my family, friends and relatives and as far as I can see it, things are actually going well for me for a change so I don't know why I feel so depressed. Might be because I'm thinking about my mysterious health condition too much. But can you blame me? The Lymph nodes is the least of my problems because the main problem is what's causing it. I'm suffering from an incurable illness because it's completely unknown so I'm currently under observation as of now. The doctors asked me to monitor myself at home and if the pain on my neck gets too unbearable, I need to be confined to a hospital as a soon as possible. Whether that day or not comes, it will cause me to go on another hiatus here if ever the situation worsens.
But don't worry about it to much... I don't want to think about it anymore and just concentrate on the good things that has happened to me. For now, my neck does hurt most of the time but I can still bare it. I'm even quite used to it so I'm still hoping... praying it'll heal on its own. The doctors did say that could happen since I have quite a strong and health body... if it was someones else they thought that person would be paralyzed by fear and writhing on pain now so I'm quite thankful that I'm the one who caught this bizarre disease and not my family or anyone close to me. I'm really not the type of person to give up or lose a fight or challenge easily either. This is my war and I'll see through it to the end~
Hee hee~ releasing this pent up emotions has cheered me up.
I apologize for the sudden random ranting about my problems here. I just wanted to let it out to someone. I just couldn't find anyone to talk to about it since I really don't want my family and close friends to worry about me since they already have enough problems as it is. So I decided to let it out in general here. I'm sorry that I took your time in reading this silly journal.
This is actually very childish of me since I'm usually the person that comforts other people when they're down so it's kinda hard for me to find a shoulder to lean on myself when I'm the one who's depressed, since I don't want to be a burden to them so I usually just carry this ponderings to myself which can be difficult since it weighs heavily at times. I'm also tired of talking about my problems to a wall... I guess I just needed someone to talk to.
... err.... please do just ignore whatever depressing things I said above and let's all move on! I have some new sketches done and I'll post them here once I've colored them in. Drawing seems to be my only stress relief so I'll be focusing on that. See you guys later! and thank you for listening to me. I really appreciate it.